I’ll keep updating the life I live in my head for your enjoyment. I use wikipedia’s ‘random article’ button to determine the paragraph’s title.
Disclaimer: This is not actually my life, my life is much more crazy than this 
Update: I’ve just started linking the titles of each entry to their Wikipedia page, to let you know a little more about them and to make sure I’m not cheating. However, I only started using the Wikipedia’s ‘random article’ button only after the 11/10/09…
08/05/08 – Kerry
I was born and raised on a pig farm in Kerry, Ireland. After my parents caught me love making with the prize pig they sent me away to live in a backward little town called Hounslow. I am now reformed with the help of the Jehovah Witnesses who guided me to the right path. I now play the harpsichord and lecture at the local youth center on the importance of being earnest. I have bore 6 children with 7 different partners (I’m just as confused) and I offer massages for money or food or both.
14/06/08 – The Circus
While playing the harpsichord in the street I was offered to join a circus by the tallest man in the world. He was so tall I couldn’t actually see his face or hear him. Instead he threw down notes from the heaven. At first I thought he was God, but I realised God was not a hippie. Of course, I agreed. Living in a caravan with a bunch of weirdos seem to my liking. They wanted me to greet and play the harpsichord at the entrance of the circus. God knows why? When I first arrived to the circus I was introduced to Tina. Tina is the bearded lady that lives in the circus. She doesn’t draw in the crowd as much anymore due the fact that she does actually look like a man and let’s face it, a man with a beard is not weird.
04/07/08 – The Bearded Lady
It wasn’t until the 3rd day I was there that I had to actually work. It seems circus folk only work when they have no money for food. So, I dance and played the harpsichord for the people entering the circus. The crowd enjoyed me so much, that I was given an actual stand to perform on. It seems that the crowd would stand outside and not pay to watch me play, loosing valuable money. I got the old, bearded ladies’ stand as she was not popular anymore. She replaced my door position, but was later forced to leave because she scared people away. She said she was going to write a letter to the papers to try and sell her story claiming I caused her stress and that she was going to sue the circus, but no one was interested or maybe she was just too lazy to do so.
24/07/08 – The Bearded Ladies Holiday
The Bearded Lady managed to find a dim-witted companion with no name. He was stupid enough to let her send all his money for her shaving debts. The dim-witted companion decided to take Tina, the Bearded Lady, on holiday to Tenerife. Unfortunately Tina was too fat for the plane and got her leg stuck in the seat. This is her last known resting place. The Authorities are waiting for her to loose weight, to be able to free her. Anyway, so life was good at the circus. Tina had gone and everyone was happier. I continued to play my harpsichord, until the day that Henry came. Henry was a talent scout and had heard a lot about me from around the town. I knew this was my big chance to make it big time.
11/10/09 – The Coma
Now we travel a year and half forward and I find myself in a hospital bed. Tubes and wires run from me to various machines. Terribly confused I emerge from the bed to be greeted by a wide nurse on a unicycle. She tells me that the dim-witted companion sought revenge blaming the death of his beloved bearded Tina on myself. He apparently knocked me unconscious and set my caravan alight… with himself in it. While he died I remained in a coma. She also reveals that I am in the Circus Hospital in Germany. It takes a week til I am able to properly leave the hospital, seeking the fame I once had at my old circus career.
22/10/09 – Badidhiffusheefinolhu
The coma had seriously affected my mind and I found I could no longer play the harpsichord as well as I could. I felt numb. The one thing I could have always counted on was my talent. So when the unicycle nurse wasn’t looking, I ran away, harpsichord in hand. I needed to find a place, a quiet place to think and practice. Mainly, practice. I ran across country, sea, land, etc and ended up in the tiny, uninhabited island of Badidhiffusheefinolhu in the administrative region of Faafu Atoll in the Maldives. Here I rested, free from the stresses of life. Free to practice for eternity.
07/11/09 – Marshall Army Airfield
I continued to practice for many months, living off the uninhabited island. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know is that playing was rather loud, so loud that locals of other islands complained. Again, unfortunately, the complaints reached a US Embassy official for the Maldives who believed my playing was some sort of secret communist research project. This meant that I was kidnapped at 6:00am from my hammock and flown by helicopter to Marshall Army Airfield in Kansas. They held me in a blank room for ages. I tried to tell them I’m not a communist, but they didn’t listen. I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it out alive. They didn’t look like they’re fucking around.
13/02/10 – Atlascopcosaurus
I’m sorry for my absence. The officers took away my laptop after my last entry. It was tough and it took many attempts to escape the hell hole which was Marshall Army Airfield. They had no space and kept me locked up in a room used for storage. The room contained Hitler’s hat, The original copy of Milton’s Paradise Lost, a box of flint, a barrel of gunpowder and the bones of a Atlascopcosaurus. To escape I poured the gunpowder into a pile on the floor next to the door. I used Milton’s Paradise Lost and threads from Hitler’s hat as a fuse to the gunpowder and then struck two pieces of flint together to light the fuse and BOOM! A couple of guards ran into the room, but I took care of them, whacking them with an Atlascopcosaurus bone. I ran away and escaped.
29/03/10 – Commemorative Banknotes Of Costa Rica
I was now on the run as a fugitive. The first thing I needed to do was escape the US. The easiest way to do this was to make my way to Mexico. It was to be a long journey. I hijacked the first car I came across by battering the owner (who turned out to be an errant soldier) with Atlascopcosaurus bone. I later ditched it out the window of the car. On the back seat of the car I came across handfuls of Commemorative Banknote of Costa Rica. I wasn’t sure of their true value, but I sold them to a man in a pawn shop for $5,655. I believed this would at least see me to the Mexican border. However I was tired and slept out the night in a hotel in Wichita, Kansas to carry on my escape in the morning.
19/04/10 – Roch Marc Christian Kaboré
In the morning I went down to breakfast and got talking to man. We ate streaky bacon and talked. I admitted I was looking to leave the country as soon as possible and the man said he could help me. It turns out he was Roch Marc Christian Kaboré, the President of the National Assembly of Burkina Faso and the President of the Congress for Democracy and Progress (CDP). He was in Kansas to promote businesses to invest in Burkina Faso. He was leaving today on a private jet and he promised I could travel with him to Burkina Faso. I don’t even know where Burkina Faso is, but I need an escape, so I agreed and we left later that evening.
25/07/10 – Daechucha
On the plane Roch introduced me to Daechucha, some sort of Korean tea. Apparently it’s very healthy for you. It was only when we landed, I realised I was now in Africa. Right in the heart of Africa. Luckily Roch took a shine to me and he offered me a job at the British Consulate as I could speak English. There I met Our Honorary Consul, Mr Patrick de Leland. We quickly became drinking buddies, relaxing in the heat and hardly doing any work. It was like a long holiday that I was paid for. It was great, I was loving it.
15/08/10 – What’s Love Got To Do With It (album)
I was living the life I had always wanted until civil war gripped the country of Burkina Faso. I had been blissfully unaware of any of the problems brewing within the country. However, Mr. Patrick de Leland had and instead of warning me, had fled the country leaving me nothing expect Tina Turner’s What’s Love Got To Do With It (the album). I was lucky in that when the British Consulate had been raided, I was on the beach drinking. I needed to find a way out of Burkina Faso otherwise I would surely die here. I managed to bride a bartender I knew to take me with him. It cost me my Tina Turner album and 131,200CFA but at least I had way out here.
11/09/10 – Epstein Barr Vaccine
Luckily we managed to escape to neighbouring Niger. Bop and I (the bartender) decided to stick together as we were both in a foreign country that we knew little about. Thanks to the outbreak of war in Burkina Faso, the money we have is useless. Desperate for money we enlisted into a clinical trial for the Epstein-Barr Vaccine. We don’t actually have the virus, but managed to give false samples. They are paying us handsomely, so why not. Bop is talking about buying up a bar and running it. We’ll have to wait and see.
24/10/10 – Sony Ericsson K660i
Bop and I were rich from the clinical trials. Bop even bought his own bar and business was booming. He let me manage it for him while he looked into other possible business ventures. I bought myself a Sony Ericsson K660i. I called my parents back in Kerry. They told me to hang tight while they spoke to the Irish government in securing my return. It would seem the unrest in Burkina Faso is spilling over the borders into it’s neighbouring countries, like Niger. I explained to them that I was safe, but I wonder how long I will be safe for. Let’s hope I’m saved before the unrest reaches me here.
28/11/10 – Mageu
It only took a week before the South African Special Forces Brigade rescued me under the cover of darkness. Niger’s military were too busy attending to the Burkina Faso border to stop the South African forces. They burst through the door of the rundown flat I was in and bundled me into a military jeep. We set off straight away. At first I thought I was being kidnapped, but an officer started to explain to me that I was safe and they were taking me to South Africa. There I would be flown back to Kerry in a private jet. He gave me a cup of Mageu. It’s some sort fermented maize drink. It was horrible, but at least I was somewhat safe.
05/07/11 – Red Delicious
Unfortunately, when I arrived in South Africa, I was immediately arrested. Mr. Patrick Leland had in fact incited the civil war in Burkina Faso and so I was arrested as an accessory. They interrogated me and charged me with 7 months in prison. I’ve only just got out. I’ve been left with absolutely nothing though. I’m currently spending my time selling Red Delicious apples at a market in Cape Town. I import the apples all the way from the US. I’ve got to get away from Africa. I want to return home to Kerry.
23/07/11 – European Plaice
I slowly worked my way up from selling apples to selling fish. More importantly European Plaice. My main buyer is an English restaurant that uses it as fish in it’s fish ‘n’ chips. Business is thriving. I’m hoping to earn enough money to leave one day. To return to my dear old Ireland. I’ve been trying to get in contact with my parents on the pig farm in Kerry, but unfortunately they don’t have a telephone yet. I’ve also been hearing rumours that a circus is coming to town. I think I’ll pop down and see if they are as good as the circus I used to be in.
07/01/12 – Samlerhuset
It took many months to build up my reputation as a businessman. I rose up the ranks and became my own boss employing 100 staff. Business was booming. I called it Mike’s European Plaice. That’s when I was head hunted by a company called Samlerhuset. They were hitting the South African market selling coins, medals and etc. I was offered the job of regional manager. They even sold Commemorative Banknotes Of Costa Rica, what a coincidence eh? I’m hoping this job will earn me enough money to be able to fly back home to me ma and pa. Back to Kerry and the pig farm. One day I’ll get there, one day!
21/05/12 – Tacrolimus
Unfortunately my partying too hard took it’s toll and my liver failed. Luckily, I was able to buy a new one on the black market and found a crooked surgeon to perform the operation. Afterwards I checked into a hospital. I was held up in a hospital for quite a long time. I was given Tacrolimus, which is an immunosuppressive drug. While in the hospital I realised it was time to go home. Back to Kerry, Ireland. I have enough money, so as soon as I get out of the hospital I will be buying a plane ticket out here.
