I’ll keep updating the life I live in my head for your enjoyment…
08/05/08 – Kerry
I was born and raised on a pig farm in Kerry, Ireland. After my parents caught me love making with the prize pig they sent me away to live in a backward little town called Hounslow. I am now reformed with the help of the Jehovah Witnesses who guided me to the right path. I now play the harpiscord and lecture at the local youth center on the importance of being earnest. I have bore 6 children with 7 different partners (I’m just as confused) and I offer massages for money or food or both.
14/06/08 – The Circus
While playing the harpiscord in the street I was offered to join a circus by the tallest man in the world. He was so tall I couldn’t actually see his face or hear him. Instead he threw down notes from the heaven. At first I thought he was God, but I realised God was not a hippie. Of course, I agreed. Living in a caravan with a bunch of weirdos seem to my liking. They wanted me to greet and play the harpiscord at the entrance of the circus. God knows why? When I first arrived to the circus I was introduced to Tina. Tina is the bearded lady that lives in the circus. She doesn’t draw in the crowd as much anymore due the fact that she does actually look like a man and let’s face it, a man with a beard is not weird.
04/07/08 – The Bearded Lady
It wasn’t until the 3rd day I was there that I had to actually work. It seems circus folk only work when they have no money for food. So, I dance and played the harpsicord for the people entering the circus. The crowd enjoyed me so much, that I was given an actual stand to perform on. It seems that the crowd would stand outside and not pay to watch me play, loosing valuable money. I got the old, bearded ladies’ stand as she was not popular anymore. She replaced my door position, but was later forced to leave because she scared people away. She said she was going to write a letter to the papers to try and sell her story claiming I caused her stress and that she was going to sue the circus, but no one was interested or maybe she was just too lazy to do so.
24/07/08 – The Bearded Ladies Holiday
The Bearded Lady managed to find a dim-witted companion with no name. He was stupid enough to let her send all his money for her shaving debts. The dim-witted companion decided to take Tina, the Bearded Lady, on holiday to Tenerife. Unfortunately Tina was too fat for the plane and got her leg stuck in the seat. This is her last known resting place. The Authorities are waiting for her to loose weight, to be able to free her. Anyway, so life was good at the circus. Tina had gone and everyone was happier. I continued to play my harpsicord, until the day that Henry came. Henry was a talent scout and had heard alot about me from around the town. I knew this was my big chance to make it big time.
11/10/09 – The Coma
Now we travel a year and half forward and I find myself in a hospital bed. Tubes and wires run from me to various machines. Terribly confused I emerge from the bed to be greeted by a wide nurse on a unicycle. She tells me that the dim-witted companion sought revenge blaming the death of his beloved bearded Tina on myself. He apparently knocked me unconscience and set my caravan alight… with himself in it. While he died I remained in a coma. She also reveals that I am in the Circus Hospital in Germany. It takes a week til I am able to properly leave the hospital, seeking the fame I once had at my old circus career.
22/10/09 – Badidhiffusheefinolhu
The coma had seriously affected my mind and I found I could no longer play the harpiscord as well as I could. I felt numb. The one thing I could have always counted on was my talent. So when the unicycle nurse wasn’t looking, I ran away, harpsicord in hand. I needed to find a place, a quiet place to think and practice. Mainly, practice. I ran across country, sea, land, etc and ended up in the tiny, uninhabitated island of Badidhiffusheefinolhu in the adminstive region of Faafu Atoll in the Maldives. Here I rested, free from the stresses of life. Free to practice for entertity.
07/11/09 – Marshall Army Airfield
I continued to practice for many months, living off the uninhabited island. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know is that playing was rather loud, so loud that locals of other islands complained. Again, unfortunately, the complaints reached a US Embassy official for the Maldives who believed my playing was some sort of secret communist research project. This meant that I was kidnapped at 6:00am from my hammock and flown by helicopter to Marshall Army Airfield in Kansas. They hold me in a blank room for ages. I try to tell them I’m not a communist, but they won’t listen. I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it out alive. They don’t look like they’re fucking around.
