Firstly, let me talk to you about the strimmer my Dad bought. Don't bypass this bit, it's quite funny. My Dad got bored and too old to be strimming the lawn, so he asked me to do it. I put the strap, started strimming and the vibrations made me giggle. Basically, this thing is like a giant dildo for your whole body. Being lazy I swung the strimmer to my right and the vibrating body made contact with my penis, tickling like fuck. With that instant I lost all concentration and went over the cable. It's okay, luckily it just got wrapped up in the strimmer. Note To Self: Wear Iron Pants!
Police In A Jam
Police had to dial 999 to get firefighters' help when they got stuck in a lift during an emergency call to a Southampton tower block.
Moo-ving Target
Cattle rustler Victor Gardner, 22, of New York, was caught when police saw him driving his two-door sports car with seven calves crammed in the back.
The Crate Escape
Robbers beat up a milkman and fled with 20 pints of milk and a packet of crisps from his float in Colchester, Essex.
Bridesmaid, 94
Proud Rhoda Hooper was a bridesmaid for the first time – aged 94 – when granddaughter Helen Craze married in Devon.
Serious News
Roman Empire
Chelsea boss and former oil tycoon Roman Abramovich is being linked to a shock move for the former British Steel group, Corus. The billionaire is thought to be in talks to buy a stake in the £3.6billion business – so he can set up a merger with Russian steel giant Evraz.
600 Are Canned
Ketchup king Heinz is cutting 600 jobs across Europe in a worldwide shake-up. It comes after a 19 per cent plunge in quarterly profits. The US firm is already shutting its HP Sauce plant in Birmingham. "We realised these are difficult times," said a spokesman.
